my heart fell off the table and spills its fillings.

hey there fellows. mmm aku lagi mau curhat nih. jadi kalau kalian lagi nggak mood for some cheesy and corny story, you better close the tab (: and im going to tell you this coz i know he probably will never ever read my blog again, so there.

well um as you know.... aku baru putus. hehe. yea i know it's sad. apalagi i was with him for a year. bulan mei ini sih harusnya 13 bulan. yah mau gimana lagi sih hehe. it was really shocking actually. apalagi he's the one who called this over. mmm okay thanks my girls for saying that he was such a jerk, such a sissy, and stuff. but i know, it's over because of me.

i know i was very mean to him, like i left him coz i wanted to be wif my girls, i didn't give him any presents for his birthday, i lost my twin bracelet, etc. okay, i know i was such a jerk, i was such an arsehole. but i loved him.

to be honest, i DID think of ending this, terus aku konsultasi ke gemi hehe. kenapa gemi? first, she's been in the same situation, second, kevin juga suka cerita2 ke gemi. hmmm kata gemi, i shouldnt let go if my heart says no. pertamanya aku pengen mutusin dia, coz i know ive been so mean and i know he's hurt, coz if he stays with me he'll suffer, and he doesn't have anyone to make him happy. and if he's not with me, he won't suffer anymore, and he'll meet someone better and he'll be happier. tapi aku ngerasa, nggak deh, i know ive been bad but i'll change. i thought he'll give me another chance. and anyway, i can not just let go all the things we've had. well i guess i was being selfish. ini emang jahat, tapi selama uan aku sama sekali nggak smsan sama dia karena kita sama2 sibuk belajar. i just wasn't ready to hear this from him. hari jumat, the VERY next day i texted him coz uan has ended, he told me that sentence.

anyway, alasan kenapa aku gajadi mau mutusin dia adalah: kok tega2nya ya aku jahat gini ke dia, have i forgotten all those mixed feeling? the feeling that tickles whenever you see him, the feeling that goes from up to toe whenever he looks at you, he calls you by your name, he admires you, he makes fun of you coz he wanna get your attention... i couldn't believe that i nearly forgot all those feelings. i wanted to change. but i guess i was too late.

hari jumat kemaren aku lagi makan di kantin pas pulang sekolah. and then he called me and said he wanted to talk. i had a hunch that he would say something that's not good coz it happened once. but i didn't realize that he'd say "nis, kayaknya kita harus sampe sini aja" and gosh i was super speechless i was like "am umm err yeah ummm tapi kita err putusnya damai kan? mmm gak berantem gitu?" God i was shaking and shivering!!! and then he said "iya damai kok" and then he was just hi-fived me and he was gone.... that's it? yep that's it. i was gonna cry at that right moment and then i saw my so-called BESTfriend bibob with other boys so i rushed to my car and go straight home. i couldn't hold my tears and i cried on the way home.... okay we've come to the cheesy parts!

the radio was off so i listened to songs from my phone. by that time i was a lil bit calmed. oshi called me, she put me on speaker so everyone could hear what i said, but i couldn't show my sadness to my girls (i hope they don't feel worry). i tried and i wrestled with my body so that my voice would sounded clear and not trembling. the phone hung and i continued listening to the music. i was calmed down, when the song changed into Alicia Keys' song: Teenage Love Affair. and then i bursted into tears. know why? Teenage Love Affair is his contact ringtone. and to make it worse, he texted me. i don't know, but mostly ex-couples text each other after they break up and say that he/she better off with someone else, don't they? well, he kinda texted me. these sweet things such as he wants to be my close friend, he still wants to share stories with me, and the worst part is, he texted "mungkin terakhir kali aku bilang muaaah :x hehe" just like we usually does. aku langsung nangis parah, uhm, i mean darah. whatever. ok, terus aku sedih banget aku baru bisa bales sms dia setengah jam kemudian. ok, i just wanna be honest to you guys, ya. i hope im not telling any secrets eventhough i know this should be just between the two of us, i texted "i wish i could've hugged you for the last time" and i know, i know that i texted that straight from the heart (eventhough it's REALLY cheesy). he replied it the next minute, saying that he agreed with me. at first i was happy, at least he felt the same way. okay so we ended the short conversation. but then i knew he was out with his friends, they were going to Citos. and then i thought... was that from the heart? i mean, if he was with his friends, it's possible for him to arrange those words with his friends, i mean, like basa basi, buat ngejaga perasaanku aja. well, i really hope he said that from the heart. but he doesn't have to say those nice words if he doesn't want to. it just breaks my heart if that's not from his.

gemi said it must be from the heart. i asked how would she knows and she answered "i just know. i have faith nis, and you gotta have faith" i know we both sound cheesy, but it's real life. and i know im not supposed to say this coz im his nobody now, but i still wish he'd fought me. i mean, not fighting with me, but more like... memperjuangkan aku. and i know i should've done that too.

terus ive been thinking... does he feel sad ever since? coz i got the idea that he doesn't. instead he feels happy and independent now. sebetulnya itu bagus kan? tapi apa itu artinya he moves on so easily? gosh why do i have such sensitive heart! it suffers me that i feel depressed lately. it's not good cutting your hair while feeling bad. coz i've been planning on cutting my hair, and it happens to happen the very next day i broke up. and i don't like how my hair look! it's too short. my sister says it's good, it shows the whole new me. but i don't like it :( :( :(

i know this sounds REALLY cheesy, but last night, i can't sleep. i was going to delete his messages on my cellphone when i accidentally (or actually hope i will and i did) read his messages. aku nangis lagi malem-malem... aduh norak! This rush of feeling suddenly came. Regretful feeling. I mean, I know I planned on mutusin dia in the first place, dan I told my girls that maybe he’s better off with someone else.. Tapi kenapa sekarang waktu aku putus kenapa aku nggak ngerasa lega? i looked at his photos in my cellphone dan aku nangis lagi... until 2 am. yes i know it's in the middle of the night. terus aku gak bisa tidur. can you belive that i finally could get some sleep when i laid down on the floor? come to think of it, it's soooooo norak to cry in the middle of the night because of someone turn you down.

mmm mungkin sekarang dia udah bener2 lupa sama aku, or at least he's trying. I hope he'll be much happier without me (even though i still hope he wants me back, but seeing the chance is only like 1:1,000,000, aku nggak bisa berharap banyak). Im not gonna lose, im going to try to get over him as well, but still, in the mean time, i guess he's still the first on my top 20 people i adore and i love. i guess it's safe to say now that i love you and i will always do :)

oh, and i will not forget our promise, kita berdua akan berusaha untuk nggak jauh2an and nggak loose all the chemistry between us (kita pengen jadi best of friends aja), dan aku nggak akan ngehapus foto2 dia di blog ini, dan dia juga nggak akan ngehapus video lagu yang dia buat untuk aku di youtube. Makasih banyak ya, Kevin Ramanda Purbowiseso, it was really great, having you as my boyfriend. And you should know, im writing in green to respect his love of the color green.